i'm very frsutrated.
my mom doesn't trust me while i'm driving so I get worse. my confidence is falling.
I really wish my cousin would find my camera. I'm livingin without it, but  I just. want it back.
I want too many things.
I really want things to work this year.
I really want a job.
I really want a polaroid camera.
I want too damn much for me.

Its so crazy thats all I have left.  I mean usually i'm a little more keen for school to start but now i'm just so nervous and not ready its crazy. and I don't have anything to really look forward to because it seems like nothing is set in stone. 
I dont have a show;I cant get over that quite yet:( I don't know whats going on with photography class yet. I pray every night that things will work out. But i'm worried that things won't fall into place like they usually seem to do and its crazy annoying.  I have a constant sick feeling in my stomach. and my infamous knot in my back returned from the pits of hell again today. I didn't have it all summer but then BAM. I felt it. And every moment of stress from the previous year came back to me. I turned in my application for maurices today.  I looked like shit walking in, ugh. I really really want to work there. I mean its my first time applying anywhere so...yea.  I just want a job there. I need that steadyness. I also really need the money. My Dad refuses to apply to anywhere else because he can't leave his beloved job at someplace that has him work sometimes only 3 days a week. I feel like i'm the parent when it comes to my dad.  my mom on the other hand is planning on getting a second job.  I need my income I can't get money from mommy anymore. I can't do that in two years, so I need to stop soon.
GAH. This year. Its crazy. I hear good and bad things about junior year, i'm just soo nervous.  I'll know I'll get through it but its feels like a big dead dog in the middle of the road that you can't swerve out of the way for. wow, i'm screwed up. anyway, my friends.  i'm worried about ariel more and more.  Her mom is driving her insane making Ariel even more and more angsty. blaaaaaaaaaaaah. I hope her mom lightens up at lets her drive in the winter otherwise i'm driving with melissa (my wonderful next door neighbor/former bestie) from janurary-march.  OH. back to the job thing. I really need the money so I can get a gym membership.  I get a discount through my moms work if I go to lifetime. which I would go to anyway, discount or not. its clean, nice, and you dont have to wait for a machine.  I just. Blaaaah. I wanna lose weight. For me. My main group of friends is skinny. Not like scary skinny but healthy skinny. In an unrealistic world I would wanna drop 6 pant sizes and be ariel size but if I could just be an eight again, I owould be so happy. Its not like I hate my body, but I see how unhappy most of my female relatives are, and I dont want to be that unhappy with myself. If I was to be unhappy with myself I would wanna hate my personality not my body, gosh. okay, I guess my rant is done for now. that is.

when I get a job I will

put money aside for college blah
put money aside for camera
money for randomness/fun
money for gym membership

I NEED A GYM MEMBERSHIP. MY MOTIVATION THERE IS MUCH STRONGER THAN AT HOME.

I have my standards too high. For everything except myself. I'm over dramatic about Harry Potter because I think it could have been better. Its not that its bad it just could have been better. And people are not willing to go an extra mile sometimes. I know I struggle with that. I left my camera at my aunts, kinda pissed. I had a serious talk with Linds and Mike. I'll prb. re-write this entry tomorrow with more details. One more week of summer school. Thank God.

I'm watching Michelles bunny Artemis while shes in Germany. It was nice talking to her too, its been awhile. I hate summer school, i'm so happy I'm done with it. I'm a bit anxious for the school year, which I will regret later. I guess I feel like I don't have a purpose or anything to look forward to. Shame. I really need to get 127 film and a birthday present for lizzie! whcih i'll need to get film for too, gack. I've been babysitting this little girl Gabby a lot. Shes cute but usally crappy because she has all these medical issues leaving the poor little thing bitter. I feel like some of my friends are all in these wacky stages of trying to figure out who they are. And we all have it going it on at the same time. You'd think it would be different, you know? People mature at different times, but we got hit with the grow-up stick. I also find it intresting that those same friends (minus two of them) have taken the "What decade fits your personality best?" got the same anwser. The 1930's.

You are strong and determined and have what it takes to get through life's storms. You are very helpful to those around you-- be it your friends, your family, or even a neighbor in need. You are a great leader and strong-willed person, and take challenges as a way to better yourself...But you also have a deep sense of warmth and nurturing for those you care about. You are well-rounded and tough because you have to be. You aren't a "diva" but rather a humble person with admirable character. With more hard-working, quality like you, this world would be a much better place. By being able to turn a little into a lot, you know how to make life enjoyable even if it's just through the little things.

So what does that mean.

EVERYONE IS PISSING ME OFF. UGH I havent hung out with you people to relax and if I dont talk to you its a mess. :(

I believe I have been given a bittersweet blessing.

I have work to do.

I'm really excited for life! : ]


Summer school is icky but i'll get through it. Only 19 days left, with tons of fun in between.

glad I went and did social things for once (liberty fest). good day and good pictures even w/o my powershot, [good day!]

Everytime I see a plane now, I get chills. Where are they going? And why? A vacation, seeing family, business? I want to be there with them in the moment. I love going to different places. (Adventure) and being stuck in my suburban home makes it a 10523453x harder to say goodbye. i'm not content in any (which) way.

Summer.

It still doesn't feel like it. I'm supposed to be at school, it seems. And already I feel ruined. Three days in and bam. For the last...3 months? Ariel and Melanie have been keeping secrets. Atleast thats what I think. Ariel: Sits around her house all the time and when we ask to her hang out she says no. A few days later she gets angry at us for hanging out. We invited you,dummy. And lately she has been so defensive about everything. I can't talk to her normally anymore cause shes gets angry. Things like the Jon and Kate situation gets her ex. angry. And she doesn't complain about thier marriage or how thier kids are being affected. Not the important things. Ariel bitches about Kates hair. HER FAMILY IS FALLING APART. CANT YOU HAVE ANY SYMPATHY? Its just so rude and sad. Then everytime we talk about college or the future she gets really annoyed. OK. Its not eighth grade anymore! Its not a far off thing anymore. This happening in the next year! Wake up and smell the ramen! GET OVER IT. YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE HARD CHOICES SOON AND YOU CANNOT BLOW IT OFF. She goes back on her word and acts like its nothing. I'm sad and confused about this because we have been friends for TEN YEARS. Why can't she tell me of all people what is bothering her? Then there is another issue. But basically it can be summe up in this: No, you can't. I'm not being selfish about this. I am saying "no dont do this" for your own. Do you want it to be akward and typical teenager?  Melanie: Mel and me argue all the time because we are brutally honest to each other. But for some reason her and ariel are all hush,hush. And whats with that? I don't want things to be blah between us we are too good for that. And with New Jersey? Melanie, lets work things out so we can go and fun and not be mad. You want it just as much as I do. So whats wrong? Both of them: What is wrong? And why can't you tell me? I won't be mad whatever it is. I'm mad that you cant tell me.

Then on a happy note. Actually no its sad. My cousins want to move allover the place. Melissa (Colorado) , Michelle (Arizona) , etc,etc. But worst of all. Mikey likes NYC. I've never been , but I know I would love it. But...San Francisco. I don't want my best friend to be an the opposite side of the country. that would be unbearable.

stop playing around me. one moment looking down another as equals. be honest and stop playing this little game of secrets. I think, just dont be mean. I long for more, but your being confusing. stop.

I can't believe Boston was almost two months ago. I keep re-living it in my head. It was so wonderful, argg I could cry I want to go and re-live it again! I hope heaven is like that. Where you can just re-live the happiest times in your life. That would be beautiful. Anyway. Heres a story from Boston.

Stephen and I were walking around the hotel trying to find Chati's room and I was digging through my bag to find my phone to call her when BAM. A pad falls there right on the ground. Best part is he went to pick it off the ground. XDDDD.

And, it rained basically the whole time. Or when on the bus a bunch of us would be singing "If I had a million dollars" or when we went to the cheesecake factory and saw a weinermoible. it seems to insignificant but when I think of it my heart gets wonderfully warm.

Oh, and THESPIAN thing tomorrow?! arg have no info on it AT ALL. Blahhh!!!

And Salsa Club? This weekend? -_____- I'll have to even see if I can do it. I'm all for random but not when it comes to theatre things.

wee! hyper. I hope tomorrow is a smooth day. please oh please!

This weekend was perfect!

Tally Hall was fabulous(Ross sang!), Star Trek was amazing (Spock <3), and I took a lovely nap(too short).

Now I'm doing homework.

Oh well, has to be done sometime!

And next weekend I have the house to myself....yay!

oh,tis a thing that troubles me....

I can't take int. photo which means I can't take adv. photo senior year. even though I have the room too.

it really pisses me off because thats what I want to go into. and arrgg.

Can I test out? DO I flip my sch. around so its confusing? Or just not take two classes I really want to take and be upset about it? : (

I have the awful feeling in my stomach. the feeling I get when I know I need to do something. and get it over with. not put it off,anymore. I ned to do this for my own good. I want it to be painless,no hard feelings. even though they will be there. I care, but I need to care about myself.

okay,please forgive me.

i'm sorry.

I have too many things that I could do in June. Arg. Stress is not needed right now. People on my back about thing. Why should they care? Then, I understand. I know. I know. Damn. Poop. I need a job. I need no stress, is that too hard to ask? I hate how I try and try and my mother doesnt seem to understand how hard it is,she says she does but she doesnt. just arg. and i'm tired of it. it it it. I need this year to be over with good not shit SHIT SHIT. I"M FUCKING TIRED OF IT FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!